Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
