we have pet lesbian snakes
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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