You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
