we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
