i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
