My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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