My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize