So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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