Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
