you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
