Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
