I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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