Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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