I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
