idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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