He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
