On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
