i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
