I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
COCAINE IS GR8
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
