We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
