i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Randomize
