I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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