About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize