i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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