I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
