i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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