How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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