he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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