Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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