You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
