Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
