Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
