I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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