i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Randomize
