Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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