dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
