Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
