please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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