this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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