I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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