Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
