Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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