I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
