1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize