So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize