I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
