This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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