forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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