Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
