Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
ttyl tear gas
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
