you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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