im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
