I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
