I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
