I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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