I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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