So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
