I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
