No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
