so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
