Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I wish there were birth control emojis
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
