xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize