How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
