Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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