my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
