Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
