Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just googled if crying burns calories
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
