idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize