i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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