tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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