If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
